I recently moved from my college town back in with my parents. Which is great because it's rent-free and as long as I chip in with stuff, there's not many bills here for me to tackle. I mothereved because I was in a lousy, dark place and was seriously going nowhere--probably backward, actually.

I used to be an extremely motivated and driven woman. I was involved in school, in work, in my relationships, and in my activities. I was proud of who I was, even if I did have a dark day or two.

My dark days became more like dark weeks and after having a bit of life drama, I think I fell off of the edge. I felt like I had nothing to look forward to, even as I knew in my mind that I really did. Graduation was looming before me and while I was glad to be done with the paper-pushing, the pointless studying towards a degree that I wasn't interested in anymore, and the pointlessness of it all, I was very sad to be done. What's next?

You live your life by a plan (or I did, at least). You learn to walk, talk, and act. Then you go to school. More school. You graduate high school. You start college. Maybe you find someone to be with forever. Then you graduate college with a degree you love and you start a wonderful job (which was handed to you on a silver platter)... What happens after all of that? What happens if you don't get the guy or the dream job?

For me, I went into hiding. And punished myself for my short comings. I stopped caring about myself and stopped taking care of my health. It was not pretty. I was not fun to be around, I am sure of that. My brain processed this as absolute failure. It became an all or nothing situation for me. Why try when there seems to be no brilliant end in sight?

It got pretty scary. To be honest, it still is. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I might be depressed, but my brain's been like this for so long that it almost seems...normal? I am considering seeing someone, but not having insurance really sucks in moments like this.

Regardless of the many reasons I moved, I left a lot of friends behind. And tonight I got a group call from a handful of them. And as much as it was lovely and we laughed and caught up. It broke my heart to hang up. I don't really have friends in my new home, even though I grew up here. Sometimes I am more emotional than I think I should be. (Probably another reason I should be seeing someone.)

This is why my journey isn't just about dropping pounds. This is why it's a healthy movement. A change.  I have to be happy and healthy or it simply won't work. Body and soul, or nothing at all.