Moving Ever Forward.

This week has been a lot of ups and downs, but overall, it's been good! It's all a learning experience and I am truly learning so much. I have been over my totals all week, but I am learning to listen to my body more and my cravings less. Plus, hopefully after a doctor visit, I will figure out my blood sugar stuff and that'll make life easier as well! :)

I have been loading up on readings, magazines, and reading lots of personal weight loss stories for inspiration. It really gives me the right mindset and a lot of hope that with real hard work, I can do this!

I used to do Zumba 4-5 times a week (with the dvd system in my old, crickey house) and I've been missing it. I may go ahead and buy the system, because I miss it so much. And what you do in a class setting is so different from the dvds. Both are good and fun and a real workout, but I like the dvd moves and music better-ish? Because I don't own the dvds, I mostly just blare Today's HipHop/Rap/Pop and do the quintessential Zumba moves to them while dancing around my living room! (Great visual, huh?) I love dancing. I want to do a lot more of it and eventually want to take ballroom or social dance classes.

I find the more I think about my new healthy life style, the more I come up with lists of things I want to do but have always been wigged out by. I let my weight perpetually get the best of me. I won't get into it here, cause it'll be way to heavy for my high blood sugar state, but more on that later!

Overeating :/

Eating out tonight was a very poor choice. I think the salt levels alone are probably making me sick. So bloated. I probably gained 9 million pounds tonight. (That's a rough estimate, of course.)

I had black bean soup and part of my Mom's nachos. The soup was great (sooooo tasty) but I wish I would have stopped there! I would have saved myself this over-stuffed feeling and about 700 calories. :(

This is one mistake I hope to not make again. I'm starting to realize that I eat every meal as if it will be my last one ever. I can't pass up my favorite foods because I feel like I'll never have them again. Ever. Ever. Ever! Which is totally dumb! And nothing tastes as good as the first bite and the last.

So hear's to smaller portions and if I have to have something, only dishing out a just enough to be satisfied.

Watching MTV's "I Used to be Fat"

I CAN DO IT!

I love Samples!

Why are things that are miniature or come in small packages so amusing?

160 Calories of Oatmeal Squares Cereal 

Which I have yet to find in my grocery store :/

Also, well under my calorie limit for the day! Yay!

And I bought a floppy hat today! Sun protection > being super tan!

Well, today was sort of a failure on the calorie-counting front. But now that I'm fully informed, I'm going to get it right tomorrow! #bepositive

This is also a daily total without any movement added in. Today was lazy. (Seems like all my days are lazy lately.) But I have the doctors next week and I know this whole thing will get easier. It will become a habit. 

Stats

Figuring out some math using online calculators and formulas.

Averagely have been consuming 2,500-3,250 calories per day. (No wonder I am fat!) I have no idea about my calorie expenditures, as I have never tracked those before.

Current weight 252.
Current BMI is 39 (Morbidly Obese).

I recently moved from my college town back in with my parents. Which is great because it's rent-free and as long as I chip in with stuff, there's not many bills here for me to tackle. I mothereved because I was in a lousy, dark place and was seriously going nowhere--probably backward, actually.

I used to be an extremely motivated and driven woman. I was involved in school, in work, in my relationships, and in my activities. I was proud of who I was, even if I did have a dark day or two.

Smoothie

Finally, I can eat! Bring on a delicious smoothie and a sandwich.

For a PB&Banana protein fix, blend:
1 overly ripe banana
1/8 cup peanut butter
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 Dream Blends Almond, Cashew, and Hazelnut Drink
1 scoop low sugar Vanilla Whey Protein powder
(Sometimes I add a little crushed ice and/or some yogurt. Just depends on my mood!)

322 Calories per pitcher.

Sigh.

Yesterday: 3,000 calories total after my late night noshing.
Today: 15 calories so far.

I know you're reading this like I am starving myself. Trust me, I know that choices like that one are not healthy, good for your body, and probably won't make you lose weight (starvation mode and whatnot).

I am type one diabetic. So that adds another layer of craziness to this journey.

Today my blood sugar levels have been outrageously high, causing nausea, a headache, and a general crappy feeling. And, when you're blood sugar levels are elevated, you can't consume sugars or carbohydrates, so basically that leaves me sucking on sugar free Popsicles, drinking clear fluids, and trying to hold down this morning's medication. Sounds awesome, right?

Most of the time, being diabetic is okay. But on days (read: months) like this, it is super discouraging and plays with your emotions and your life.

Tonight, I will have an awesome dinner and probably do some stretches and yoga to ease my mind.

I'm finding myself more and more unhinged recently. I should probably go talk to someone, but honestly, I can't afford it. Having no medical insurance is scary and sad. Life isn't going as planned for me and...

Whoa, this is probably my blood sugar talking, which is why I am going to cut this short.

Source: livestressfree.info/Yoga-Poses.html

Reality Sinks In.

I've set up a doctors appointment in a week or so to make sure that it's okay for me to go ahead and stridently try to lose weight. This is an important step that I think most people overlook. I know that I am sort of a special circumstance--I have a chronic illness--but I think that it is a good idea to make sure everything is running, ticking, and working correctly before jolting your system. And, I know that any kind of cut-back or change is going to spur a huge jolt to my body. I'm stuck in my ways! Sad, but I think we really all are.

For curiosity, I jotted down everything I ate/drank today. (And to be honest with you, I will probably end up mindlessly snacking tonight in front of the television.)

Beginning My Journey

I suppose I should start this post off with my reasons why I am starting this blog. Not to give you TMI, but this afternoon while I was showering, I looked down and saw my tummy, not my toes. At first my reaction was that this was normal. Yes, I sighed loudly and felt bad, but hey, this was just how my life was. I am fat. And that's just how life is. But, wait, that's not true. I did this to myself. Not being able to see past your gut and to your pretty painted toes is just plain sad.

Standing under the hot water, I decided that there is no more excuses. I have nearly one hundred pounds to lost to be in my healthy weight range and that's my goal. Not just to be thin, but to be healthy. Surely I could lose weight on a crazy diet, or by hurting my body with starvation, or whatever else crazy information I could find out there...but that's not what I am going to do.

For once, I am not going to take the easy way out. It will not be a cakewalk. (Yes, I am already thinking about cake and I'm only twenty minutes into this life change.) It will probably seem impossible. I will probably cry. A lot. And maybe yell a little bit. Regardless, I want to do this. I need to do this. This is my journey to lose weight, get fit, become healthier, become more balanced, and hopefully, find my "happy" again.

If anyone is reading, are you on your own journey? What's your story? Are you also tired of always grabbing your "fat jeans" because the others won't fit? Any advice for a newbie finally taking her life in her own hands? :)